Social vindication, self-gratification and the definition of a Nerd.

I don't generally consider myself an anti-social person. In fact, I can become rather depressed and filled with angst when left alone for too long. Neither do I consider myself a shy person, though I can be very quiet and even timid in large groups. But something happened this semester. I became increasingly conscious as the weeks went by that I had not made many new friends at all. In fact, I knew very few people in our ward, and I still don't know even a quarter of the girls in our building. This realization began gnawing at my conscience until, finally, I had to do something about it. I knew that I wouldn't be able to bring myself out in ward activities much more than I had, because they were all too overwhelming, socially. There were too many people, all in little groups having their own conversations and for me there might as well have been a glass wall erected around each cluster. So, with the financial, physical and emotional support of Maddie and Sharlene, I planned a party at our apartment. This way, the size of the group would be limited, naturally, by the size of our apartment and the people that were willing to take time out of their Saturday night to get to know us and have fun. It would also put me in the position of co-hostess, a role which I am much more comfortable with than that of guest or participant. In this capacity, it was my job to make others feel welcome, to introduce myself and others, and to be actively involved in conversation. I loved it! We printed out invitations on Wednesday and taped them on every apartment door in the ward, thinking that we might get ten to fifteen people to show up, if we were lucky. When the night of the party came, we had about twenty people overall. A complete success! Costco supplied ninety percent of our refreshments, which of course meant that they were quite delectable. People were coming and going, but the core group stayed at around eight people, including Maddie and myself (Sharlene had a date ;P). We ate and chattered for a good forty-five minutes to an hour before starting up a wild game of Cranium, which my team very nearly won - I'll get you, Maddie, and your little friends, too (insert evil laugh)! Kiera and I kept up a steady stream of trash talk, which was pretty amusing, considering our individual personalities. We also were able to meet some great people, and have a lot of fun with friends, new, old and in between. Sadly, one of Maddie's Freshman lovers left early to do homework and the other could not make an appearance due to a previous engagement, but don't be too sad ... got a date out of it anyway("A.C.T. worked for me!"). And myself? I just got a silly little crush - lame! There are certain things about being a single young woman at BYU that I could do without. But at least this one is at least a little valid - I've actually held more than two-minutes' conversation with him and interacted with him socially more than once (his FHE group went to the same multi-FHE-group activity this week - I put the moves on. Sort of. You know. It's me.). Blah. All in all, the evening was an overwhelming success and social vindication.

New topic. Today I turned in a short story for my creative writing class. I spent all day yesterday working on said story as I decided on Monday that I did not like the story I had written and had to come up with a better idea. It was an interesting experience. I sat on Karina's papasan chair in the living room with snacks at my side and my computer on my lap and typed for eight hours, with a few brief intermissions for bathroom breaks and phone calls to my mom. At the end of the day, I had fallen in love with a completely alien story. It didn't really feel like I had written it, but I had. There were still some kinks that needed to be straightened out (ironed, if you will), but it was good. When I arrived in class and we all arranged our desks into a large circle, I had the feeling that I would be asked to read for the class workshop session. It didn't bother me until it happened. I was the first to be asked. At that moment I was seized with the fear of failure. I was sure he was going to stop me after every sentence and tell me how I needed to change it and it terrified me. This was my baby! I started reading and I felt my face glow red hot. My heart was beating faster than I could count and hard enough to escape my rib cage completely. I couldn't breathe correctly and I had to clear my throat and wet my lips. I'm being a bit melodramatic, but it was an intense feeling. Only, he didn't stop me after every sentence, or even after every paragraph. I went on to the second or third page before he stopped me with a question about a particular sentence structure that turned out to be correct. Then he started asking me why I set it in England and what was going to happen in the end and everyone wanted to hear what happened next. He liked it! They liked it! I had a girl come up to me after class and ask to read the rest of it, saying that she had really enjoyed it. Ha! Can you believe it?! I was so excited, I couldn't stand it! I know it sounds ridiculously self-gratifying (hence the title), but it was great!

Last one. I don't know if you've noticed (see above paragraph), but I am a complete English nerd. I love it! I love the boundless possibilities presented by the knowledge that the more you understand about the rules, the more masterfully you can use them or break them in half and throw them into the sea. I love the myriad of successful and not-so-successful authors, past and present, who have demonstrated those possibilities. It's a beautiful world, the world of literature and literary history and creative writing - *sigh*. I say, I am an English nerd. This is very important because I am not an English geek. There is a very big difference. A nerd is one who is passionate about their subject of learning, or about learning in general, who can often be socially awkward or clumsy, but who is always aware of social contexts and decorum and therefore remains socially adept and acceptable. That's me. A geek is one whose passion for learning often turns into an obsession; they often have a great cerebral capacity to store information and like to share random facts, often completely out of context. Geeks generally seem to be in their own little world, and have little understanding or respect for social boundaries. I explained the first half of this theory, the definition of a Nerd, to my brother the other day. His reaction and the fact that I have not only spent the time and effort to come up with this but also blogged about it culminate in the establishment of the fact that I am a self-proclaimed nerd. Thank you, one and all.